Sometimes I sleep through a thick haze of contemplation
and sometimes it keeps me nodding awake every second
I wish that I could simply put my thoughts in a box
lock it up inside and let it rest for the morning to come
but instead I sit awake and I ponder
I ponder every breath I take
the sun and the moon
I ponder the whys and why nots
the overactive mind of an aggravated girl
I am without pain
because I am without time
There is nothing that lies within
a single glance I could give
that would indicate otherwise
I am solemn in my mountains
the tears are my rain
I need some peace
I need to catch my train
As I rise further to the top and wave my goodbyes
my body becomes one with the soil
and Earth renews again
Here lies that of an aggravated girl.
Thinks it is funny that a captcha i got for sending in paperwork was ” NJJOE”. Nice, Dad… thanks. (Seconds ago)
Joz:You should be happy theres kitties in China being eaten. (4 Hours ago)
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I woke up with a sense of dread. It was that feeling that something bad had happened or would happen sometime in the near future. It was something that I could neither stop nor prevent. It was just dread. I wondered sometimes why I even woke up. I often knew what was going to happen but sometimes I just had the feelings with nothing in between. It was a sense of nothingness that brought me to my knees most mornings.
I went to the kitchen and got the pot off my coffee maker filling it with water. I then put the water into the coffee maker and inserted the filter and turned it on. I didn’t have a fancy coffee maker because every time I tried one it would bust or break and there just wasn’t any sense to doing it. Suddenly, I stood there in my kitchen with hairs on the back of my neck shooting outright. I didn’t understand what it was. I slowly turned to find my mom standing behind me.
She often visited me. She would just pop in unannounced staring and smiling. Sometimes she would grab a seat in the kitchen and start talking. The only problem is with my mom the mute button was on. I could never hear her. I could only see her. It was weird. It was like the little boy who often came in my bedroom bouncing a ball against my wall at odd hours of the night. I had no idea who he was or what he wanted. I couldn’t hear him either.
Things like this happened to me all the time. There was the monster under my bed when I was ten. He mumbled. I couldn’t see him and he scared the beehives out of me. I oftentimes just didn’t care to even go to bed. I would call my mother in the room and she would cuddle under the covers with me and rub my head until I fell asleep and the monster disappeared.
I guess this has been the month of hell for me. It has been a long process of remember to turn in this assignment and say ” screw it ” to something that is only 10 points because you have to much on your plate as it is. I know that sounds sad but it is true.
My daughter got a hamster recently. It was from a friend of mine whose daughter was not taking care of it. I took an adventure to pick her up. I had photos on my phone depicting a cute Teddy Bear hamster that looked full size. I pick her up and she is a dwarf. She is a teddy bear dwarf. She is no bigger than my pinkie. This hamster is sweet though. She has a character to her.
We recently discovered she hates seeds. Most hamster thrill at the thought of getting seeds. She picks them up and throws them out of her cage so that our floor is a virtual mess of seeds. She , however, did discover she likes sunflower seeds yet tosses those shells out as well. She is a wirey thing , I will say that.
My daughter and I went into the living room one morning with biscuits on our plates hot out of the oven. I had some homework to do so I decided we were going to watch Saturday morning cartoons and eat biscuits in the living room.
She was on the table by our couch and she popped up her little head and started wagging her entire body and making squeaking noises. Soon, her entire body was a whirlwind of emotions. I never seen ever a little hamster get that excited. We plucked off a piece and gave her some and she was so thrilled. I swear she was probably singing Halleluiah.
Recently, my father passed away. My friend Jana took me and my daughter to Indiana that Wednesday of his passing. I had to think about all I had to accomplish while I was there. The first thing we did is go to my father’s apartment (my old one) and collect some items that was left there. I went through and grabbed all the paper work I could find. ( My brother was there previously and had things in bags for me already, so did my father’s roomie). I just had to find medical, social security, id, and other items that I needed while I was there. I grabbed what I felt necessary. The rest went into a car with Jana who took it back to Kentucky with her.
I didn’t keep any of his clothes except a couple of his favorite jackets including a leather one he had forever. His dog Zena was mourning and I couldn’t do nothing to help her. She is now with Dad. It is just all very sad. I have the jacket he wore on walks with her. They are in some of my photos I have here online. While drying the jacket at home my dryer was going CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK.. out popped a bone. It must have been in a pocket. She used to hide things in the jacket.
I also found out that my father loved to keep everything that was ever printed out and handed to him. I found a receipt for gas in 1973. I kid you not. It was a handwritten receipt in yellow paper. It even has the make and model of the car on it. I know in New Jersey you don’t pump your own gas. I am not sure if this has been going on for awhile. This note that I found, this little yellow decrepit paper I found ; smelled of gasoline. EWwwwwww.
I found all of his tax documents. I am keeping them for now. I will have to find a place to shred them sooner or later but I doubt that I will find the need for his tax documents from 1978 to be much useful to me.
I found receipts for every single thing he ever bought from the store . I found out he loved his Ramen Noodles when he lived with me but he really loved them afterwards as well.
He had a odd collection of Remote Controls I kid you not. Only two out of the dozen we found belonged to anything remotely useful.
He had all sorts of odds and end pieces of things, plastic bottle caps, metal thing a ma bobs that I am told is some sort of conductor for a car, tons of wires for everything imaginable ( I found receipts for these too from the thrift store), I found three USB drives that contained nothing because they were not workable, two containers of film that had one photo on it and cost my brother a whopping 25 cents to pick up this photo, jesus statues, saint statues by the mini sizes (most of them broken in half or heads decapitated. I am attempting to glue a couple together the rest I can’t do nothing with them.) , rosaries of every shape , size , color, texture that you can imagine ( a few I donated in Dad’s name recently.), I found a pack of old condoms and I actually googled them (because their name was Salamar studs or something) they were from 1985, razors by the dozens, toe nail clippers by the pound, loads of old glasses (funny story Dad had bought a pair of reading glasses while there living with me because he couldn’t find his scripts- I found them amongst the craziness that was decapitated saint heads.), and a bunch of other stuff.
I disposed of a lot of this (including the old condoms which I opened and cut up because someone may go through the trash and think they hit pay dirt and actually bring a child to this world instead.)
So, I decided my father with all his little gadgets was actually a mad scientist of sorts making a secret time machine in his bedroom.
Dad, you know you are laughing right now and if I feel a slap behind my head I will just smile.
My father is two suitcases. That is what I have left of him. Two suit cases of paperwork and his notes to the very end. I kept his scripts and some clippers they came to good use. I kept some of the Saints I was able to glue and some of the rosaries but the rest pretty much was tossed. I definitely didn’t need an old pack of condoms. His stuff in storage in New Jersey was tossed away in October or something like that. So, I am left with the minimal pictures, a few jackets and a ton of paperwork and hopefully soon, his ashes.
It is always an adventure in my life.
I spilled coffee on the sleeve of my jacket when I went to Java Roaster and picked up some coffee for my brother , his girl friend and some other friends.
I spilled coffee again, later on, over at the V.P when I got a Mocha from the auto coffee machine. That was on the way to the funeral home.
When I finally got home I washed that jacket. It was so nice looking. It wasn’t even stained.
I walked somewhere with my daughter and had a coffee in my hand and dontcha know … I spilled coffee all over the sleeve.
I wondered if it was some sign. Maybe like people who find Jesus in toast I was meant to find Jesus in the coffee stain. Maybe I would find my father’s face looking up at me sticking his tongue out. I may even find the ” evil ” numbers. All I saw was a coffee stain, nothing more. Josie swears she saw a tree.
Again, I washed the dumb coat and this time I spilled coffee all over it while I was doing laundry ironically enough. It is a sign. I am not supposed to have a clean jacket. I am meant to have a coffee stain on my jacket. Either that or someone is telling me to cut back on my caffeine.
I made a Tardis recently. It was actually a lot of fun. I made a wibbly wobbly timey wimey machine. If any of you don’t know what exactly I am talking about just consider this the ramblings of a half crazed person and go to the next blog. Those that do know it *high five*. Of course, there is that wonderful thing called GOOGLE.
Okay, I will spare you :
Here is more photos of some of the adventure of Tardis Cake and its faithful companion Josie for her 10th birthday!
Now, I am off to do more research on that of victims of serial killers in order to write a paper I am really behind on doing….
- Coffee Stained Portrait | My Modern Metropolis (kudaily.com)